Frith O’Steen

My son just turned six, and he is starting Kindergarten tomorrow. Now, he’s been in preschool for the last 3 years, so this next step shouldn’t feel like a big deal. But come on, it really IS a Big Deal. My little guy - now a ‘big kid’ officially - is  entering a much bigger place than he ever has before. Kindergarten involves more kids, more things to learn, more social obstacle courses to work through. Cafeterias, playgrounds, seatwork…I am thrilled to my toes for him about all the exciting new things he has in store for him. But he will also now encounter more of the real world. He is no longer under my sphere of influence alone - nor should he be. He gets to take the next step in becoming his own person, finding out what about school is the most exciting for him (and the most challenging for him). He will learn that most people are nice, but a few are not. He will learn that some of school is fun, but some is hard. He will hear new things every day, some of which I probably will wish he hadn’t. This is growing up, and while I wouldn’t stop it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t seem to happening quicker than I would wish. I am so proud of the kid my son is becoming, a confident and curious boy, with a good heart and a kind soul, strong and smart and funny. But I am also very grateful that this same boy will still cuddle with his mom for a story at night (though the stories are now chapters from ‘big kid books’) - it helps to know that I still have that, at least for now. It makes it easier to let him take this next step - he may be growing up, but he will still need me for a while. That is what I’ll keep in mind when I drop him off tomorrow and return to my car for a very good cry.

Last night at dinner:

Sean: Hey, Decker - I really like that Star Wars cookbook you gave me for my birthday. Should we try making something from it this weekend?

Decker: Uh-huh - Wookiee Cookies! But we don’t have a Chewbacca figurine, like in the picture.

Sutter: Chewbacca is a monkey!

Decker: Um, Sutter, I think you have that wrong. I think you mean, Chewbacca is a bear!

Sutter: No, Chewbacca is a monkey! He says oo oo, oo oo!

Sean: Actually, guys, Chewbacca is a Wookiee, remember?

Decker: Oh yeah, I forgot, because he looks kinda like a bear.

Sutter: Chewbacca is a bear!

Sean: A bear? Did you see Chewbacca at the Lindsay Wildlife Museum today, Sutter?

Sutter: No!  Chewbacca is a wookie!

Decker: But he looks like a bear.

Sean: He’s kinda more like a gorilla.

Frith: Isn’t he also like a person, too, though?

Sean: Oh yeah - he’s actually older than Yoda even! You find that out in one of the movies.

Decker: But he doesn’t talk people talk!

Sean: No, he goes “ROWRRRRR” (inflected with lots of gargly noises in throat).

Frith: Or this: “RRRRRROOOOWWR” (a higher pitched version of Sean’s Chewie noise)

Sutter: Chewbacca is a monkey!

We had a day off yesterday, so the boys and I went over to the Lindsay Wildlife Museum for a while, and then followed it up with some time on the playground. Sutter is becoming more agile all the time, climbing as many big kid ladders as his mom will allow him to, so we headed over to the Big Kid Playground. This structure is left over from a previous time (aka: my childhood), a time when playstructures were made from slippery and shiny metal that gets very hot in the sun. Naturally, being the less-kid-friendly of the two playstructures, this is the one my younger son desperately wants to go to.  Sutter held his own on most of the slides and ladders, but at one point he got to the top of platform where the only way down was an enclosed tunnel slide. Being not quite 2 and a half, his common sense (finally!) kicked in, and he balked at the top. Unfortunately, this being a spring break week for all the elementary schools, there were LOTS of kids on the playground, and there was a line building up behind Sutter. He was too high above my head to reach, so I tried to coax him to sit on his bottom so I could reach up and help him down. Decker meanwhile tried to help by sitting at the bottom of the slide and calling up in his helpful squeaky voice, “C’mon Sutter! You can do it! I’ll catch you!”. No go. I think the little guy was stopped in his tracks and unsure what to do. In the midst of trying to remedy this impasse, a big kid at the top of then slide jostled Sutter, and Decker yelled out “Hey! Don’t step on my brother!”.  Naturally the big kid thoughtfully stepped back, looked sheepish, and gave me room to help get Sutter down. PSYCH!!! Nope, what really happened is that after Decker asked the kid not to step on Sutter, another big kid at the bottom of the slide yelled up to the big kid at the top, “Step on him! Step on him!”. Before this mama bear could even begin to respond to that, I hear this passionate high-pitched yelling from down below: “NO!! NO!! LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!!! STOP THAT!!”. Oh, Decker. I so heart you.  At this point Sutter apparently decided that letting his mom help him would be the best course of action, and so I lifted him down and Decker ran around the slide to come check on his brother. Here’s a transcript:

Decker: Sutter - are you ok?! Did those mean kids hurt you?

Sutter: (Partly upset but also enjoying the attention) Those big kids hurted me! Big kids hurted my fingers!

Decker: I know, those big kids were bullies! They shouldn’t step on you! I told them not to step on you!

Me: Decker, you stood up for your little brother! Good job, buddy! That was really cool!

Decker: I know - I’m a hero!

On the way home we relived the dramatic scene a few more times, Decker reveled in his heroism, Sutter reminded us all that his fingers were stepped on, and I helped Decker practice how he would yell if that happened again. (Lower pitched, so people could understand him better. Just as passionate, though. That part was good).

I’m really proud of my son. He’s a good big brother. And Sutter knows it.

Decker, now being 5 1/2, is beginning to master the art of the joke.  One of his favorite books is “Morris Goes to School”, where the main character, Morris the Moose, goes to school and proves over and over again not to be as clever as a kindergartner. Example: The teacher asks, “Who can tell me what comes after 8?”. Morris’ answer: “I know! Bedtime!”. This cracks Decker up every single time, without fail.

Being a huge fan of a good joke (good being of course in the eye of the beholder, as many time my puns have resulted in my being placed in the penalty box by friends and family), I am thrilled about this new development in my son’s toolbox o’ life skills, so have trying to coach him along by teaching him some of the classics. (”What’s brown and sticky?” “A Stick!”). So, naturally that repetoire needs to include some solid knock knock jokes. These have proved more elusive to teach, so far, but we’re trying.

Last night seemed an ideal time to try again - we were enjoying a nice dinner together of alphabet pasta, the kids were both in a chatty and pleasant mood, so I thought why not attempt another go at an all-time favorite, the banana-orange knock knock joke. The following is what ensued at our table:

Frith: (attempting to warm up the crowd with a proven golden oldie) Hey Decker, guess what?

Decker: What?

Sean: No, try again, you know this one…Hey, Decker…guess WHAT?

Decker: CHICKEN BUTT!

Frith and Sean: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Decker, that’s funny!

Sutter: HIHIN BUH!

Frith and Sean: Yes, Sutter, that’s right…good job!

Sutter: HIHIN BUH! HIHIN BUH!

Frith: Ok, Sutter let’s eat some more dinner ok? Now Decker (HIHN BUH) - thank you Sutter - I’ve got a funny one for you - Knock Knock!

Decker: What?

Sean: You mean “who’s there”.

Sutter: Mommy!

Frith: Yes, sort of Sutter! Ok, let’s try again - Knock Knock!

Decker: Who’s there?

Frith: Banana!

Sean: (groan - oh goody, this one)

Decker: silence

Sean: Say “Banana Who”, bud!

Decker: (with much giggling) Banana WHO?

Frith: Knock Knock!

Decker: But I just said Banana Who?

Frith: Just go with it, sweetie…say “Who’s there?”

Decker: Who’s there?

Frith: Banana!

Decker: (more giggling) Banana WHO?

Frith: Knock Knock!

Decker: (barely able to answer due to the typical giggling of a 5 year old) Who’s there?

Frith: Orange!

Decker: Orange WHO!! (falls over giggling). Mommy, that’s really funny!

Frith: Wait, Decker…you missed the punchline…I say orange, you say orange who, then I say “aren’t you glad i didn’t say banana?”.

Decker: My turn!! Knock Knock, Mom!

Frith: Who’s there?

Decker: Light Flower Vase Baseball!!! (practically falls out of booster seat with laughter at his cleverness).

Sean: Um, ok.

Frith: That’s close, Decker…you see, the point of a joke is-

Sutter: BANANA! BANANA! BANANA!

Frith: Thank you, Sutter. Ok - let’s try this again…hey, Decker - Knock knock!

Sutter: BANANA!

Decker: KNOCK KNOCK!

Sutter: BANANA!

Decker: KNOCK KNOCK!

Sutter: BANANA! ORANGE!

Sean: Hey, we’ve got our own little comedy team here - I’m getting flashbacks of my brother when he was little. Hang on a sec…(grabs phone and dials GQ in Loomis)

GQ/Trudi: Hello?

Sean: We’ve got a little joke for you! (Whispers to kids - ok guys - tell her your joke!)

Decker: Knock, Knock, GQ!

GQ/Trudi: Who there?

Sutter: MOMMY!

Sean: No, try again - ok Decker, go for it -

Decker: Knock, Knock! Chicken Butt!

GQ/Trudi: Wait - I didn’t catch that - who’s there?

Sutter: GQ!

Sean: Um…ok, never mind! How are you, mom?

Sutter: BANANA! BANANA! BANANA!

So, maybe neither of the kids will be heading for a comedy club anytime soon…but I do think they may have a killer stand-up team when they get older. (Especially if you like really abstract comedy). And if we call you up to tell you a joke - well, just roll with it and laugh anyway, ok?

- Hi guys! How was your day?

- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

- Hey, you guys set up the tent today! Great way to spend a rainy day. So, where’s Mommy?

- She’s in the tent!

- Wait – what?

- Mommy’s in the tent!

- Why is Mommy in the tent?

- She’s in there taking a time out with Boo-Boo Bear.

- Boo-Boo Bear the ice pack? Um, why is Mommy in the tent with Boo-Boo Bear?

- Sutter might of broken her nose!

- What? How?

- Mommy climbed in the tent to take some quiet time while we were playing, and said that if she couldn’t see us, we couldn’t see her, and then Sutter said “Mommy!” and dove through the window of the tent and crashed on top of Mommy’s nose! Mommy sure is a good screamer.

- Why did Mommy need quiet time? What were you doing before that?

- (Baff! Baff!) Like Sutter said…we took a bath!

- That sounds safe enough…what happened during the bath?

- We danced! (Peanuh Buhah Jellwy Time!) Yeah, that’s right, Sutter – we did the Peanut Butter Jelly Dance!

- Wait – you danced in the tub?!

- No, Sutter tried to dance in the tub and Mommy said no that was too dangerous so we got out of the tub and then me and Sutter did the Peanut Butter Jelly Dance naked like ducks in the bedroom!

- Um…what did Mommy do then?

- She laughed and said that was funny, and then she tried to get us to put our pajamas on and then Sutter didn’t want to and so I didn’t either and then we duck-walked down the hall and Sutter kept trying to do it right by the top of the stairs cuz it echoes really good there!

- That doesn’t sound very safe.

- That’s what Mommy said too! Well, she said something like “Sutter! For the love of Peter Paul and Mary – who are they, anyway, Daddy? – Get away from the steps!”. Then she grabbed him and bumped her elbow and it didn’t sound very funny because she yelled again but she said she hit her funny bone.

- And then?

- Then Sutter screamed super loud – did you know he can scream really loud, Daddy? He sounds like this –

- No, that’s ok! Please don’t demonstrate – I know your brother can screech at a high volume! Did he do it a lot today?

- No, only after bath, during dinner, when he couldn’t get his trucks to work right, and when I took his toys from him…

- Decker! Why would you take toys from your brother? That’s not nice!

- I had to stop him from wrecking more stuff!

- Um…MORE stuff? What else did Sutter wreck today?

- Just a book…he dropped one in the potty today while Mommy was going to get him some new pull-ups. But he cleaned it up! Mommy came in and saw Sutter wiping up the floor with his bath towel and he told her “I cwean up!” Since he cleaned up his mess, I don’t think Mommy should have gotten so mad. And she was able to dry most of it with her blow dryer, so it was ok!

- What were you and Sutter doing while Mommy tried to clean up the mess?

- We were good and we played nicely by bouncing on your bed! Until Sutter fell off and cried…and then he said “that was awesome!” and climbed back up again.

- Wow – it sounds like you three had quite a day. Was the rest of it pretty quiet?

- Yeah! When Mommy put up the tent, we helped by holding the sticks, except they kept bumping against the lights and the bookshelves in the living room, but I know that you fix anything in the world with tape and krazy glue, so it was ok! I told Mommy not to worry!Then Sutter and me put in the sleeping bags and Mommy tried to get us to take a nap but we were too excited to sleep so we kept running into the kitchen and then running super fast into the tent and crashing! That’s fun – especially if you do it really loud!

- Did you have any quiet time at ALL today?

- Yeah, we watched our “Wall-E” video and I got to do the remote all by myself and I learned today how to turn up the volume and guess what Daddy it goes all the way to 50! That’s really loud! Mommy made us turn it down though, after the glasses in the cupboard started shaking. She came running downstairs and was yelling “Earthquake! We’re having an earthquake!”. What does duck and cover mean, Daddy?

- I think it’s what your mom is doing right now, little dude. Well, let’s get you both to bed and give Mommy some more quiet time in the tent, yeah? Wait a minute…where’s Sutter?

- (Mommeeee!) CRASH.

- He’s in here….ow….good night, boys!

My son and I had our first real conversation about the concept of mortality tonight. He’s 5, I know it’s an age appropriate thing, but I still had been dreading this for a couple of years now. It came up as we were making dinner together, and it actually was very sweet and flowed as organically as I suppose it could have. But still, tough. My friend’s mom passed away yesterday after a long illness, and the topic arose when I told him conversationally that I was going to be working in the nursery this week while my friend was out of town. The last time I did this, he knew that her mom was sick, so he asked if she was sick again. I took a deep breath, and answered him that no, actually, our friend’s mom had died. He asked did that mean was she broken? Oh man. I told him what I had kinda rehearsed in my head for this conversation, and said that all living things live for a long time, and then when we get old we stop living. I told him he was really lyoung still and that he didn’t need to think about that for a long time. He registered this information and  then informed he was never going to die. (I am holding back tears as this whole chat goes down, btw). I said, well, everyone does someday, but again - he doesn’t have to think about it for a long time. I told him then that after you die, no one knows exactly where you go, and that some people call it heaven, but that I believe that we all get to be with our family after we die just like when we’re alive. I didn’t want to give too many details, and freak him out, and you gotta love the kid because his next sentence was, and I quote: “We need onions, Mommy! We almost forgot the onions!”. I love 5 year olds.

Later on this evening he asked some more basic questions from his dad and I separately (luckily Sean heard our conversation while he was ‘napping’ on the couch, and was very supportive about what I had said to him), and I think I reassured him but I know it’s gonna come up again. I can only hope that I answered him truthfully and still gave him enough reassurance so that he won’t start worrying about it too much.  I know this is one of the basics of life, and everyone has to learn about their own mortality at some point. But tonight it feels like my little boy lost a bit of his innocence, and I had to be the one to do it. That just completely sucked. I would so much rather have been having the sex talk with him!

So on Tuesday night, I’ll admit it - they announced Barack Obama would be our next president, and I immediately jumped up and screamed quite joyfully. After the past eight years watching our country become so incredibly damaged both domestically and internationally, I had almost given up hope that we could begin to turn a new page and rebuild our sense of community and fairness and possibility.  I was in the tank for Obama early on - he is so dang intelligent, well-spoken, measured, thoughtful…I’m thrilled our country finally went for those characteristics rather than what we have settled for with this past administration. People finally stood up and said, “No more! We won’t let you do this to us anymore!”. And I’m so excited that my children were alive to see history made - I’m hoping Decker especially will remember how engaged (ok, obsessed, in the case of his mom) his parents were in this election and the issues, and how excited we were to explain to him what it means to have picked a new leader for our country. We’re one step closer to being able to say, “Anyone can grow up to become president”. (Once we elect our first female president, then I’ll feel I can say it absolutely).

But…my celebration over this election is tempered by what happened out here in CA. Namely, the passing of Prop 8. I am so sad that some of my friends have now essentially been told by voters that they are not full citizens, that their civil rights are not quite equal to their fellow Californians, and that their loving relationships are not considered ‘real’ in a legal sense. I’m actually very happy right now that my sons are not old enough to understand this part of the election, because I think it would really confuse them. Why can their mom and dad be officially married, but some of their friends’ parents can’t? Just as their dad and I grew up in a post-MLK era, where it seemed strange to hear in history class about the idea that some of our classmates would not have been allowed to go to school with us in years past based on their race, it’s my hope that my sons will feel that way some day when they hear about legislation that was targeted against the lgbt community. As in, “Wow, how could people have ever said that was ok?”.

My heart is aching right now for my friends who are directly affected by this legislation, and I hope the legal fight is effective and swift. This is a civil rights issue, and I can’t quite celebrate the new day for our country when my home state is taking away people’s basic rights.

So…yay Obama, but boo prop (h)8!

So Decker’s really into identifying the villains in every story lately. He’s pretty good at it, overall. Typical conversations in the car go something like this:

Decker: Hey Mom - you know who’s the villain in Jungle Book? SHER KAHN!

Me: That’s right, dude.

Decker: And who’s the villain in Cars? CHICK HICKS!

Me: Uh huh

Decker: And who’s the villain in Toy Story 2? AL and PROSPECTOR! and Toy Story #1? SID!

Me: That’s all true, D! Hey, how about we name all the kids who will be your class this year? I’ll start - Jaden! Ok, your turn!

Decker: And, um…the villain in Ratatouille is CHEF SKINNER and ANTON EGO! Except they kinda turn nice at the end - hey, Mom why do they turn nice at the end?

Me: Gee, I guess they got tired of being grumpy all the time. Hey Decker -

Decker: And who’s the villain in Wall-E, Mom?

Me: I dunno - pollution, I suppose…

Decker: Oh! I know - Otto! Isn’t that funny that he hangs from the ceiling?

Me: Yes, just like you hang from the monkey bars at school…

Decker: Uh huh. Hey, who’s the villain in Blue’s Clue’s?…

So there you go. A future career in law enforcement? Or maybe he’ll be the next serial novelist? (Every good drama needs an antagonist of some sort, even if it’s an auto-pilot robot who hangs from the ceiling).  And maybe he’s got a point…maybe Blue’s Clues COULD use a villain…

when you can’t find a comb (because your toddler son LOVES combs and brushes right now and hides them away like a little hair care squirrel), so you are forced to improvise and find yourself parting your hair with the pointy end of a plastic dinosaur’s tail.

this, this is when you say (in the immortal words of my oldest son): “what has happened to us?”

Take 1 nearly 5 year old, full of energy and having recently undergone a growth spurt. (This will ensure that he is all bony knees and elbows, with absolutely no sense whatsoever of where they are in relation to his body and the space around him).

Add one 21 month old, all muscle and determination who has somehow captured the secret of perpetual motion (but who has not yet figured out the consequences of gravity or looking before you run head first).

Mix in one gung-ho in spirit but apparently not in body mom who wants to be cool and get all physical and wrestly and huggy with her kids.

Have children run at mom full-speed while she is either sitting or standing, while she braces for the impact. Next, have them fight for territorial rights over her lap, while she continues to insist that there is enough room for one on each leg. Following that, have the toddler lay on mom’s lap to read, while thrusting his iron skull back against her sternum and wriggling in space to get everything “just right” (and throwing a couple of elbows in the process). Afterwards, when the mom is attempting to lay down on the ground, the toddler should come and sit on her chest,  in an attempt to create yet another lap. Lastly, the 21 month old and the 4 year old should then climb up the same tall and hard to access ladder at the playground, leaving the mom to panic and hurl herself on a fireman’s pole adjoining said ladder in attempt to reach toddler who is unaware that they are not actually equipped with a padded suit in case they fall.

Mom will then wonder for a week and half what happened to her, until she figures out that she is battered by her children. Mom will then ruefully smile, acknowledge she is getting older, and resume the wrestling once more.