Frith O’Steen

So…a year ago today I was watching tv, waiting for Decker to make some sort of indication that he was maybe even possibly thinking about finally makin’ his move and getting out here with the rest of us, and dealing with what I thought was a really stiff neck from laying on the couch so much and not sleeping well. (Hey, the kid was already a week overdue!). So I got up to go brush  my teeth, and discovered to my absolute surprise and horror that half my face had decided not to work anymore. Couldn’t move a dang thing. Level-headed and calm girl that I am, I immediately assumed I had a stroke, called the emergency advice nurse (who predicted simply Bell’s Palsy), called Sean (to get him to come ASAP, can’t remember where he was), and of course mom until Sean got home. Sean raced me to Alta Bates, where they reassured me that it was indeed Bell’s Palsy (not a stroke, thank god), that the baby was definitely fine, and that I would look funny for a couple of weeks but should be ok after that. They had the option to give me steroids to treat it, but since Decker hadn’t completed his lease yet, they decided not to (which I am still ok with - I never want to take chances when I have someone else’s health on the line).

So, ego bruised, adreneline rushed, and concerns smoothed, Sean took me home. I went to bed, and was resigned to looking silly but being healthy and hey, it will go away in a couple of weeks, right?

Well…as many of you know…it’s been a year now, and it took a looooooooongggg time to start to be able to move things again. There were times this year where I indulged in big fat rounds of self-pity and felt like it would never get any better and that Decker would grow up thinking mommy looked like something out of the movie “Freaks”. However, I am happy to say that as I look in the mirror today, everything is almost completely back to normal. I still have a crooked smile, and probably always will (hey, what’s her face, that model, has a big gap in her teeth and people don’t run from her!), but have determined to call it “quirky” and can live with it. My eyes are even now when I smile, talk, etc, and I do my facial massage every single day to keep the synkinesis from starting up again. I don’t look like the photos from before it all happened, but close enough that I can let it go. I can’t really have regrets, because if I didn’t have Bell’s, it would mean I didn’t have Decker (the doctors are pretty sure that my pregnancy, especially being overdue in the 3rd trimester, is what caused the Bell’s in the first place), and that’s something I don’t even want to imagine. Will my son someday look at older photos of me and ask why I look different? Probably. But it seems for the most part that kids are pretty accepting and love whatever they’re familiar with, so it will be a curiosity to him at most, I assume. Hey, if the old saying “I want a girl just like the girl who married dear ol’ dad” is accurate (Sean did marry a short woman!), then maybe Decker will be on the search for slightly off-center faces when he starts dating!

Anyway - it’s weird to see that a year has gone by. If I want to feel good about the progress, I just look at photos from that first week, and photos from now…and you know what? I feel ok about it. And frankly? Decker keeps me too busy to care much anyway! So there you go.